 Art by Sahara Kelly |
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Oh Carnal One, here to help you solve all of your sexual issues/dysfunctions/ills/quirks.
Well, not really because I'm not licensed to do that. Actually, I'll probably yank your crank more than anything else, so don't go thinking I'm some Dr. Ruth. I have no PhD's, I sure as hell don't have a license to practice sex therapy, but I do know a thing or two about sex! Not a lot of things, just some things and due to my giving nature, I'm willing to share them with you, the reading public at large. I also give advice to the lovelorn-so if you've been downing a gallon of Häagen-Dazs a day and crying in your beer over someone and you need help to get the hell over it, e-mail me. I'd be happy to tell you to get the proverbial grip. I'm kidding. I'll send tissues. So, what's your beef? Got a girlfriend who hates doggie style? Want to try something brimming with kink, but you still live in your parents' basement? All you gotta do is e-mail me at ohcarnalone@changelingpress.com and if you get lucky, I'll answer. Maybe. If I'm not too busy and reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 aren't on. |
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by Oh Carnal One are not necessarily those of Changeling Press LLC. All advice is strictly given with intent toward the lighter side. Oh Carnal One is not a licensed practitioner. Oh Carnal One has no degrees in anything but a smart mouth. That means if you can't take it, don't dish it out. All names will be changed to protect the innocent, which kinda means don't sign your real name. That would just be dumb. Oh Carnal One reserves the right to edit your comments. This means don't get fresh or I'll send you SPAM. I'm joking. Oh Carnal One's monthly column is meant for entertainment purposes only. Like don't take any of this seriously. It's for giggles. Don't get your panties in a wad.
Welcome to the fine month of August-where hot is an understatement and the heat is obviously barbequing some brain cells.
Up this month-two men who are rocking the town of Decatur and might consider becoming (shhh) a couple, a toy shopper (God, where do these people come from?) and a man who might dig the windmill in miniature golf a little TOO much….
Until next month, as certain as I am that I'll be in attendance at the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale, I'll be back with more kooks.
Yours in Carnality,
Oh Carnal One
xxoo
Oh Carnal One:
Bewildered in Boise
My girlfriend keeps mentioning "foreplay". She mentions it a lot
it's amazing how many times that word can come out of her mouth when
we're doing the deed during the commercials. So I took her golfing,
and now she's mad at me.
What's up with that?
Dear Tiger Woods,
Um, read my lips--or my font , in this case. Get ye to the nearest Walmart, hit the book aisle and look up the word foreplay, so your nine iron hits the green first, thus avoiding the sand trap and you can make that "hole in one" guilt free.
A tennis fan myself,
Oh Carnal One
Oh Carnal One:
Belching in Biloxi
I'm a manly man there never has been a beer I couldn't belch! But
there's a sensitive side to me too, you know? So I've decided to give
my lady some sex toys for our anniversary. But I've been through the
paint and hardware department at Wally World, as well as automotive,
and can't find anything. Where do you buy these things at anyway???
Dear ever resourceful,
Contact Tiger if you would, please. Maybe he'll let you borrow his dictionary and I can avoid repeating myself. Look up VIBRATOR. Note, this item is NOT available in Walmart.
PVC pipe/Valvoline fanatic,
Oh Carnal One
A double whammie if you will…
Dear Oh Carnal One:
A Higher Love in Decatur
About a month ago, I read Charles and Carolyn Muir's book, "Tantra, the Art of Conscious Loving." I immediately loved the idea, and started going to workshops, reading and learning all I could about sacred sexuality. The problem is my wife. She's not even slightly interested in hearing about spirituality through sexuality and rolls her eyes at me when I try to talk to her about it. I feel that my eyes have been opened, and I am on an important new spiritual path. She wants me to give it up. What should I do?
Dear Carnal One:
I, too, would like to seek advice. I have studied this book with him,
pondered the meaning, and attempted the practice… however I find that
I still prefer my sex partners unconscious. What should I do?
A Lower Lust in South Decatur
My buddy in Decatur and I have been having many esoteric conversations
regarding his study of "Tantra, the Art of Conscious Loving". I know
that he wants to further expand his psyche and sexual discovery and he
plans to write you for advice.
Dear Higher and Lower something that had to do with stuff I just can't wrap my brain around,
Words escape me, but I'll try...
Nope. They still escape me.
Scratching head.
Oh Carnal One