 Art by Sahara Kelly |
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Oh Carnal One, here to help you solve all of your sexual issues/dysfunctions/ills/quirks.
Well, not really because I'm not licensed to do that. Actually, I'll probably yank your crank more than anything else, so don't go thinking I'm some Dr. Ruth. I have no PhD's, I sure as hell don't have a license to practice sex therapy, but I do know a thing or two about sex! Not a lot of things, just some things and due to my giving nature, I'm willing to share them with you, the reading public at large. I also give advice to the lovelorn-so if you've been downing a gallon of Häagen-Dazs a day and crying in your beer over someone and you need help to get the hell over it, e-mail me. I'd be happy to tell you to get the proverbial grip. I'm kidding. I'll send tissues. So, what's your beef? Got a girlfriend who hates doggie style? Want to try something brimming with kink, but you still live in your parents' basement? All you gotta do is e-mail me at ohcarnalone@changelingpress.com and if you get lucky, I'll answer. Maybe. If I'm not too busy and reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 aren't on. |
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed by Oh Carnal One are not necessarily those of Changeling Press LLC. All advice is strictly given with intent toward the lighter side. Oh Carnal One is not a licensed practitioner. Oh Carnal One has no degrees in anything but a smart mouth. That means if you can't take it, don't dish it out. All names will be changed to protect the innocent, which kinda means don't sign your real name. That would just be dumb. Oh Carnal One reserves the right to edit your comments. This means don't get fresh or I'll send you SPAM. I'm joking. Oh Carnal One's monthly column is meant for entertainment purposes only. Like don't take any of this seriously. It's for giggles. Don't get your panties in a wad.
July is upon us, dear readers and I do believe that means fireworks, barbeques and family gatherings.
Although, apparently, not for everyone…
This month brings a screamer, a cross dresser's mate with clear fashion issues and a fisherman.
I know.
You don't have to say it.
I did it for you.
Until next month when the dregs of summer heat force you to read another installment, I wish you hot dogs that roast evenly, ice cream that never melts and one free therapy session on me if you swear you won't e-mail me.
Oh Carnal One
Dear OCO,
Not Cheating in Charlotte, NC.
Lately, while having sex with my husband, I fantasize he is one of the men from the Changeling books I read. I envision the hard six pack abs rubbing against my stomach, while he pile drives me with his rock hard, ten inches, while ignoring the cooler around my husband's waist and the less than adequate, uh, well, you see where I'm going. The fantasy in itself isn't the problem, I mean, I've been having great orgasms! But, the problem is, the other day while we were going at it, I shouted out the character's name -- SIX times! Now he thinks I'm cheating on him, and nothing I say can convince him other wise. What should I do?
Dear Faithful,
You know that cooler around his waist? Slap some brewskies in it and tie one on. You'll never remember whose name you screamed.
Heinekin RULES,
Oh Carnal One
Dear Oh Carnal One,
Sincerely,
My husband's a transvestite, which was always a little weird (if
occasionally, um, you know, interesting). But the thing is, I've
gained a bit of weight over the past few years, and now I find him
going through MY old clothes and helping himself to whatever he likes.
Why does this bother me so much more than before? I know it's partly
ego (it's annoying when your husband looks better in a leather
miniskirt than you do!) but do you think it's okay for him to help
himself to my "outgrown" clothes?
Chubby in Cincinatti
Dear a lovely shade of green,
Er, isn't this the perfect excuse to shop? God, what do I have to do to get you women to pay attention?
good vibes from Sax,
Oh Carnal One
Oh Carnal One,
Abstinent in Atlanta
Help! My wife says it's too hot for sex, even with the air conditioning on.
I say it'd be cooler if she didn't have that computer on her lap all the
time. How can I convince her to shut off the laptop and play with some ice
with me?
Dear 911,
Are you busy on Friday night between 11 and 11:15?
Just wondering,
Oh Carnal One
Oh Carnal One,
Wishing I were Mounted in Minneapolis
My husband and I have been married for almost ten years. He's a real outdoors type, you know? He loves to go hunting and fishing, all that stuff. I knew this when we got married, and I liked it. But lately, I've caught him stroking his fishing poles, rubbing them, gazing at them all moony eyed. Then the other day, I heard him talking low and husky to the hound dogs! I mean, he spends so much time with his 'man sports' paraphernalia I'm starting to wonder if he even wants me any more. Can you help?
Dear in need of a good dip in the deep blue sea,
How do you feel about an Eu de Chicken of the Sea spritzer?
Albacore only,
Oh Carnal One