by Alecia Monaco Hello to all you Cheeky Changelings out there! July is a month of barbeques, fun, and fireworks, so let's start it off with a bang by dishing up the sauciest celebrity gossip around! It seems like just yesterday Paris Hilton was on her way to the slammer. Then she was out on house arrest. Then she was due back in court via phone. Then there was another hearing. Then the world rotated backwards, and the sun revolved around the moon. Then she was back in jail, but in the infirmary. Or something. But my, how time flies when celebrities are incarcerated! Ms. Hilton is already a free woman, having been released from Lynwood Women's Correctional Center just after midnight on Tuesday, June 26th. The heiress, who reportedly experienced a spiritual epiphany of sorts while behind bars, ran to a waiting SUV to hug her mother, Kathy. Is it just me, or does Paris look oddly rested and...well...downright glowing after her stint in the slammer? Reporters on the scene said she looked as if she'd dropped a few pounds (from where, your humble correspondent wonders - she didn't look as if she had an ounce to spare before). Does Lynwood have some sort of underground spa racket going? If yours truly ever has to do time at the orange jumpsuit club, I can only hope I emerge looking as if I'd spent the month in Saint - Tropez. Somehow, I'm almost certain I'd look more like Aileen Wuornos, and not the somewhat prettied up version played by Charlize Theron, either.

This is the second month in a row I've mentioned a convicted killer in my column. Hmm.... Before I ponder the deeper meaning of that little tidbit, I must confess a kinship with The Parisian One on a certain issue: I'm totally down with her craving for Taco Bell. It seems the blond celebutante revealed a longing to make a run for the border as soon as she became a free woman. And after perusing a list of items she ordered during her jail stay, I can hardly blame her. If I'd subsisted on steam-cooked prison food supplemented with instant noodle soups and granola bars from the commissary, a Mexi-melt would be looking damn fine, I gotta tell you.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world...just as cozy pictures of TomKat and Baby Suri vacationing on the French Rivera hit the press, the rumor mill went into action. Apparently, the Kat half of the duo seemed to be showing the dreaded "bump" (a distasteful term if ever there were one) while attending David Beckham's last soccer match in Spain. Although Katie quickly denied rumors that the turkey baster was once again successful she is pregnant, she did tell reporters that she and Cruise "definitely" want more children.

Continuing their Super Fantastic Awesomest Ever World Tour, the couple were joined by BFF's Becks and Posh for a night on the town in Madrid, where all four wore large sunglasses and pretended to eat. No doubt the Cruises were eager to share the news that Suri had taken her first steps while traversing the rocky terrain of the Riviera, while Becks and Posh must be brimming with plans for their new home near the TomKat residence in California.

The foursome hit the clubs after dinner and partied until seven the next morning.

But all is not sunshine and roses in the life of Scientology's most famous adherent, and the party was soon over for Tom, when the German Defense Ministry banned him from shooting on their military sites because of his affiliation with Scientology. Cruise is set to play Colonel Claus von Stauffenburg, a German WWII hero who plotted to kill Adolf Hitler, in the upcoming war epic Valkyrie, and is reportedly "desperate" to shoot the film in Germany, where the events of Stauffenburg's life transpired.

"Aside from his obvious admiration of the man he is portraying, Tom Cruise's personal beliefs have absolutely no bearing on the movie's plot, themes or content," Paula Wagner, Tom's producing partner, said in a statement. "And even though we could shoot the movie anywhere in the world, we believe Germany is the only place we can truly do the story justice."

Ok, I never thought I'd be on the same side as Tom Cruise, but... here I am. This seems to be happening a lot lately. Last month I found myself siding with Shanna Moakler, for crap's sake! What is this column doing to me? Where's my moral fiber? Next I'll be standing in line to purchase Ashlee Simpson tickets or something. If that ever happens, dear readers, I beg you all to stage an intervention.

Anyway.

As if all of the above were not enough trouble for The Couch Jumping One, the leader of an extremist Christian organization has targeted Cruise, accusing him of being, well...a Satanist. Mark Dice, head of a group known as The Resistance, had the following to say about the Mission Impossible star:

"Yes, Tom Cruise worships Satan. I don't say this as an insult, or as an ad hominem attack. I seriously and literally mean he worships Satan, although most occultists call him Lucifer, the light bearer."

While I'm impressed that someone of Dice's caliper can toss off a Latin phrase, I'm annoyed that once again I find myself defending Tom Cruise. I mean...Satan worship? Come on! That's so 80's, don't you think? What's next, playing Top Gun backwards to decode Satantic phrases? And from what I hear about Tom, he's much more likely to worship satin than Satan, if you know what I mean...and I think you do.

And that's not all from the Scientology ho-down! It seems that L. Ron Hubbard's second most famous disciple has been preaching the gospel as well. In a recent interview with W magazine, John Travolta backed his brother in Xenu:

"I don't disagree with anything Tom says," Travolta said. "How would I have presented it? Maybe differently than how he did, but it doesn't matter. I still think that if you analyze most of the school shootings, it is not gun control. It is (psychotropic) drugs at the bottom of it."

Or maybe it's those pesky Thetans invading our bodies. Who knows?

Ah, John, John...where did it all go wrong? You were my first love as Vinnie Barbarino - well, unless you count that whole thing between me and Leif Garret. Which I totally don't. And you shouldn't either. Yeah.

Meanwhile, things are looking grim for Isaiah Washington. The troubled star has been let go from Grey's Anatomy, a move that reportedly left the actor devastated. Word has it that Washington is in talks with NBC, although reps for both the star and the Peacock Network declined to say whether the deal would be for a new show, or for a role on an existing program.

Things could also get interesting on the set of the upcoming Grey's spin-off, Private Practice. The show, which centers on infertile ob-gyn Dr. Addison Montgomery, may be forced to do some creative rewriting or tricky camera work, as the show's star, Kate Walsh, is rumored to be expecting.

Last but certainly not least, congratulations to Julia Roberts, Tiger Woods, Kevin James, Keri Russell, and Jeff Gordon, all of whom - with the help of their significant others - have become proud parents since my last column!

Well, that's all for this month. Don't forget to beat the heat with a scorcher from Changeling Press, and keep your eyes open for my Escape: Midnight Sun to hit the site soon! Until then, have an awesome Canada Day, a Fabulous Fourth, and stay safe, sane, and snarky!

Alecia Monaco