by Alecia Monaco Hello all you Cheeky Changelings out there! August is here and the heat is on, so let's cool down with some gossip! Well, what do you know... Lindsay Lohan is once again in trouble. First, an arrest on suspicion of drunk driving and cocaine possession…and she's been out of rehab a scant two weeks. The incident occurred while Lohan was allegedly chasing the mother of her former assistant (why??). As if that weren't enough, three partygoers are charging that Lohan commandeered the driver's seat of their vehicle to begin the car chase. This allegation could add charges of kidnapping to her rap sheet, if proven. And in a handful of even more twists in this bizarre situation, a man claiming that the actress ran over his foot during her car chase is threatening to sue, as is a woman claiming that Lindsay hit her car during another ill-fated driving incident a few months ago.

The three unfortunates trapped in the car with La Lohan during the car chase claim that the star countered their concerns by saying "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity." When the chase finally ended, witnesses say the actress lied to police, asserting, "The black kid was driving."

Wow. Screwed up, much? Where are this girl's parents? Oh, yeah, that's right. They're caught up in a nasty divorce, trying to get court orders compelling each other to take drug tests, and so on. Someone needs to get all of the kids in that family some help (or foster parents!) before they follow in big sister's footsteps.

As it is, your humble correspondent bets we'll get a full-scale Paris style drama surrounding La Lohan's arraignment. She created a virtual labyrinth of legal trouble with this latest escapade, with potential charges and suits that could go on for a long while to come, not to mention the very real possibility of jail time.

I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs, because as much as I enjoy the snark, this girl is in real trouble.

In a truly regrettable move, someone gave Matthew McConaughey a shirt. I'm crying foul here.

You guys know I can't skip over the latest Paris scuttle. The former jailbird is selling her Spanish-style Hollywood Hills compound. The asking price? A cool $4,250,000.00. I guess she'll have to find another hacienda in which to consume her takeout from Taco Bell.

And while we're wishing Paris luck on the sale of one of her many multi-million dollar properties, let's all give three cheers for the success of her upcoming album! Yes, the ex-con heiress is back in the recording studio. I know you're all crying sparkling tears of joy right now. But wait, there's more! The Parisian One has also been cast in a movie musical! That's right, folks. Repo: The Genetic Opera should be hitting the shelves of the 90% off rack at a video store near you soon!

Finally, the Hilton Family are not - I repeat, are not - cutting Paris out of her inheritance. Grandpa is keeping her in the will, from which she stands to gain an estimated (say it with me in your best Dr. Evil voice) thirty million dollars. Heartwarming, isn't it?

I just love to spread sunshine.

Also, Britney Spears got divorced, endangered her children, and did trashy things while wearing questionable clothing. But what else is new?

Meanwhile, TomKat attended a wedding dressed in matching off white ensembles and shades. It's really getting creepy, y'all. In the immortal words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

Meanwhile, Posh and Becks have landed, but I'm bored already and don't care.

I suppose Brangelina probably adopted a couple of kids this month. I didn't check, but it's safe to assume.

And speaking of Brad Pitt, the most interesting thing his ex, Jennifer Aniston, has done lately is to get swarmed by the paparazzi while leaving the Sunset Tower Hotel and attend a Police concert. Come on, Jen! Throw me a bone here! Why must the former cast of Friends be so boring? Do something, guys! I want to write about you! Whither Matthew Perry? Wherefore art thou, Matt LeBlanc? Have a reunion show! Go out on a bender! Give me something to write about!

Yeah. Anyway.

Finally, ex-Paris BFF Nicole Richie confided to Diane Sawyer in a sit-down interview that yes, she is four months pregnant. If this is true, please, someone…feed her! I'm taking buckets from KFC here. Take pity on the fetus and feed them both. Regarding her upcoming jail time, Richie had this to say:

"I have a responsibility and it's something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person that has lost a loved one from drunk driving I would. And unfortunately I can't, but this is my way of paying my dues and taking responsibility and being an adult."

She'll have plenty of time to ponder these deep mysteries of the universe, since The Simple Life has been officially cancelled.

Well, that's all for me. Don't forget to check out my August releases from Changeling Press, and as always, stay safe, stay sane, and stay snarky!

Alecia Monaco